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  • The Master Rule book of the Bionic Brigade

  • Rule 1: The "Bionic" Bounce

  • Any ball striking a prosthetic hip, titanium knee, or pacemaker is considered "in play." If the impact causes a mechanical whirring sound, the player is entitled to a 10-yard forward drop for "technical interference."

  • Rule 2: The Pharmacy Mulligan.

  • If a player realises they have forgotten to take their morning tablet while standing on the tee, they are allowed one "Medicinal Re-take" without penalty.

  • Rule 3: The "Statute of Limitations" (Bunkers). If a Veteran enters a greenside bunker and remains there for more than three minutes without a successful exit, they are to be retrieved by the following group. No penalty strokes shall be recorded, out of respect for their knees.

  • Rule 4: The GPS (Grumbling Positioning System).

  • At least 40% of all conversations between the 1st and 18th holes must revolve around:

    1. The NHS waiting list.

    2. The cost of diesel.

    3. How the greens "used to be better in 1984."

  • Rule 5: The "Architectural" Scorecard

  • In the Crows Foot Manor tradition, a "7" is merely a "4" that has been affected by gravity and high blood pressure. Arthur is the sole judge of these mathematical translations.

  • Rule 6: The Coffee Morning Priority.

  • The result of any match is secondary to the quality of the post-round coffee. If the biscuits are stale, the entire round is declared a "No Contest."

  • Rule 7: The Ambulance "Play-Through"

  • If an emergency vehicle enters the fairway, players must wait for the medical team to finish before putting out. If the paramedics look like they can chip, they are welcome to join the other golfers

Golfers relaxing after a game of golf

The Crows-Foot Manor Code of Conduct

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(The Ethics of the Bionic Brigade)

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1. The Vow of Anonymity

Members of the Brigade shall be protected by the "Fictional Shield." No member’s real name, shameful handicap, or actual medical diagnosis shall be published. We are here to celebrate the type of golfer we are, not to embarrass the individual.

2. The Spirit of the 19th Hole

All stories must be told with "affectionate wit." The goal is to laugh with each other, not at each other. If a story has no "warmth," it doesn't make it into the Archive.

3. Respect for the "Non-Bionics"

While we focus on the veteran experience, we shall remain courteous to the younger, "fully-functional" golfers, even when they hit the ball 300 yards and make us feel like we’re playing in slow motion.

4. Confidentiality of the "Inner Circle"

What is discussed in the WhatsApp group stays in the WhatsApp group if there is one—unless it is deemed "Archive Worthy" by the Resident Archivist. Arthur’s creative accounting is a trade secret.

5. The "No Grudge" Policy

If a member feels a story hits too close to their actual prosthetic, they have the right to request a "Redaction." The Archivist will immediately change the details to something even more ridiculous (e.g., changing a hip replacement to a bionic tail).

6. The Biscuit Mandate

No story shall be transcribed or discussed during a coffee morning unless a minimum of one digestive or ginger nut biscuit is present. Stale biscuits are grounds for immediate adjournment.

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